Inhuman Relations
by Smashing Skunk53
Summary: Based off of Chillman22's story challenge. Love comes in all shapes and sizes, so when a man meets a unicorn that shares his love for porn, who are we to deny the blossoming love between them? One-shots looking at the variety of Naruto characters x Monsters.
1. The Web we Weave and Naruto you kinky b-

**Got the idea of this based off of Chillman22's Crossover Challenge. Just added my own spin on it, but expect many of the monster halves of these couples from the Monster Girl Encyclopedia, and other similar works.**

The first thing Neji Hyuuga realized when he woke up was that he couldn't move.

The young jounin kept his eyes shut. He did not want to alert his captors to his return to consciousness so he kept his eyes shut, and his byakugan deactivated. Neji tried to get a feel for his field of movement and was dismayed by his findings.

He felt weightless, suspended in the air like a sack of meat. He could not lift his arms from his side and his legs were bound together tight enough that there was no space between them. Whatever his captors used to bound him, it restricted his movements completely.

"Neji, are you awake?" A familiar voice called out.

"Tenten?" He said. "Is that you?"

"You can open your eyes, whoever grabbed us isn't here right now."

He activated his byakugun as Neji opened his eyes. All around him were members of the Konoha Eleven in the same situation as his own. They were wrapped tightly in cocoons made of spider-like silk and it instantly put him on edge. Had a relative of the sound nin, Kidomaru, come seek revenge against the Leaf for his death?

Through the eyes of the byakugun, he could not see any chakra running through the threads, though they felt far stronger then Kidomaru's. Where did the enemy receive such material?

"Does anyone know what happened before they woke up here?" Shikamaru questioned. Neji knew what he was doing. To figure out an escape plan, they need to figure out how they were captured first to avoid the same mistakes.

Each of them gave their own recollection of their final moments; Ino was working at the family flower shop, Sakura was doing her shift at the hospital, Choji was enjoying the food at one of the weekly feasts for his clan, Kiba took Akumaru on their usual walking route through the woods, and Tenten was working alongside Lee in the training grounds.

Shikamaru thought over their answers. Neji watched the Nara's brow as it twitched before his eyes focused upon him. "What about you Neji?" He asked. Neji felt like he was holding something back, but he had no reason to distrust Shikamaru.

"I had just finished aiding in the instruction of the movements of the _Gentle Fist_ to the younger members of the clan." He answered.

"Is it a regularly scheduled affair?" Shikamaru quieried.

Neji would have nodded if he could move his head. "Yes."

The shadow manipulator grimaced. "That's not good." He continued. "Whoever captured us, clan heirs to half of the village, would have had information on each of our own private schedules."

The Hyuuga male bit back a curse. His fellow comrades on the other hand had no such restraint.

"Shit." Kiba swore. "Konoha has a spy."

"Fufufufu…not quite." A voice sounded from the shadows. It was feminine and her tone carried an undercurrent of danger.

Both Ino and Kiba screamed bloody murder against their captor, who just laughed off their insults. "Now, now. No need to get all huffy. Besides there are still few people you haven't heard from."

Neji saw strands of spider silk bounce and buck and they lead to tied up Hinata and Shino Aburame. Neji felt himself flush in embarrasement that he completely forgot that his cousin was here with him, though he felt no guilt about the Aburame heir.

Through his byakugan, Neji saw that both of them were in the same situation as the rest. Judging from their body language, Hinata seemed more relax than anyone else but Neji had years of watching over Hinata to see her true feelings being portrayed. Her muscles were constantly flexing beneath the strands, as if to wear them down before breaking free. Even small bits of chakra poured out of her tenketsu as she tried to weaken the silk.

After years of his emotional abuse against her, Neji is proud of how far Hinata has come.

From his own knowledge of Hinata's teammates, Neji knew that Shino has always been rather stoic. Only speaking when spoken to. Among the Konoha Eleven, he is the most emotionally controlled, but right now, Shino was catatonic in fear.

Shikamaru turned his attention towards the near silent members of the Konoha Eleven. "What were you two doing before you were knocked out?" With their captor listening into their conversation, there was no point in hiding information they already knew. Neji hated this feeling of helplessness, let alone being at the complete mercy of their kidnapper.

"Hinata what was the last thing you remember?" Shikamaru questioned.

All eyes focused onto the young woman who has grown past her nervousness from her childhood. She met their eyes, despite her restricted movement. "Shino and I were waiting for Kurenai-sensei at the training field 11." She paused. "Shino tried to warn me before I lost consciousness."

All eyes turned to the Aburame, they waited for his input and he did not respond. Being the closest to him, Hinata's face furrowed with concentration. "Shino I can't understand what you are saying. You need to speak up." She said, hoping to coax more from her teammate.

As if broken from a trance, Shino's head whipped upward so fast that his glasses flew off his face. His dark, narrow eyes were wide with fear as they constantly darted around the cavern. His voice rang out with panic, "We need to leave!" His fellow Leaf ninja stared at him with awe and shock. "NOW!" Shino yelled.

The dark laughter from before had returned. "Oh? Do you know what I am little insect?" Skittering echoed throughout the cavern, like shards of broken glass hitting a tiled floor. "I must admit," The woman continued. "That is rather surprising. The Hokage did not even recognize my people. But you-" She laughed. "It makes sense, the old pervert spoke volumes on how much your clan prides itself your vaunted logic knowledge, but in face of a true predator your instincts and fear make themselves known. After all, your only _human_."

Neji activated his byakugan. "Enough of this! We are done playing your game. Show yourself!" He demanded.

The strands of spider silk tightened around his body and constricted Neji, but not enough to cause him pain.

"No need to get uppity little boy. But you are right, it is time for the grand reveal."

With his byakugan activated, Neji was to first to see their captor. Long red hair flowed from her head, tied into a ponytail with metal pins. Her face framed with bangs that hanged down her cheeks. Her eyes blue, but they held steel behind the icy gaze. This was further enhanced by the other six pairs of pupiless eyes on her forehead. Dark blue chitin-like armour covered her body, it exemplified her curvy figure down to her waist. Below it however…

Gasps of surprise sounded from his comrades as their captor came into their view. Her large adobomen was dark-violet was covered with a black fur cloak. She skittered towards them on top of her six-legs, each step echoed across the cavern with clicks and clacks. The spider-woman gazed up at the hanging ninja with interest. Her two front appendages, pedipalps, dived and poked the empty air in front of her, as if dissecting an invisible prey.

Now in full view of the trapped ninja, Shino was the first to speak. His eyes never left their captor's form and his tone subdued. "An Arachne."

"My name is Tsuki Hanatai." The woman smiled. It was terrifying. "I'll have to keep an eye on you."

Shino shivered.

Shikamaru spoke, "So what do you want with us? You could probably get a decent amount of money for ransom for most of us, but the village wouldn't take too kindly from the fact that you kidnapped us right from under their nose."

Hanatai smirked. "Who said I kidnapped you?"

"What?" Shikamaru questioned.

"But first I need to tell you a story, let me get comfortable." The spider-woman plucked seemingly random strands of silk and pull them toward her, and created a cradle of webbing that rised beneath her. With her added weight to the cradle, Neji felt the strands tighten around his body, and the sensation was certainly shared among his comrades with their gasps of surprise.

Hanatai ignored their protests and begin to weave her tale. "About a year ago, I was minding my business in my homeland. Simply living the life that my ancestors lived before me." She sighed wistfully. "Just a simple silk weaver who toys with travellers that pass through her forest unaware."

She reached out and pulled a strand taunt, and Shino swung through the air only for the arachne to stop him with one hand. She pulled the trapped Shino close to her face, all the while he tried to squirm away fruitlessly. "It was a little boring," Hanatai admitted. "But when you look like me, I was content with what I had." She simply shrugged, as if her monstrous appearance was simply something she has grown to accept.

"One day however, one of you ninja wandered into my domain." Her taunting demeanor faded from her face, only to be replaced with a dreamy smile. "He was a runner. I had to hunt him for three days and three nights." Her face scrunched up with glee. "What a hunt it was! It was the first time I had a prey that had as much fun as I did. I'll never forget the second time he got away from me."

The arachne started to twirl her red hair around her fingers as she remenised. "For a whole day and night, I chased him to the outskirts of my domain. I finally trapped the little mouse high in the canopy of trees within my web. As I gazed down at his futetile struggle, I closed my eyes dreaming of the fun I would have with him in the morning. When the rising sun woke me in the morning, I was laid on the ground, my head in his lap as his fingers stroke through my hair." The spider-woman's cheeks flushed brightly with embarrassment. "He broke out of my trap to catch me as I fell out of the trees when I fell asleep. The sentimental fool also didn't want to take his chance to escape and leave a defenceless girl-" All her eyes shut tightly, as if to relive that very moment in her mind. "Alone in the woods."

With that the woman remembered her audience still wrapped around her. "Of course, I would have been fine without his help." She practically leapt from her seat where her laurels rested on the strands. Neji regained a miniscule amount movement from the removed pressure on their bodies.

"So what's your game?" Neji questioned. "Use us as hostages to draw out this ninja your hunting?" His eyes narrowed dangerously. "I highly doubt you are going to get who you want with us here. The Hokage won't stand for this."

A sigh escaped from Shikamaru's mouth. It was quiet at first, but it built up to a growl of frustration. "Have you had enough fun Tsuki?"

The arachne's taunting demeanor gave way to boredom, like when the hunter catches its prey, but the hunt was made easier than it should be. "So you've figured it out have you?" Hanatei huffed to herself. "The Hokage told me you would figure it out, but I wish I had more time to make you all squirm. Oh well." With almost careless ease, Hanatai reached behind her and with a single sweeping motion her knife cut a dozen strands of silk.

The bonds on the Konoha shinobi loosened and they dropped to the ground in combative stances. All were ready for an attack, with the exception of Shikamaru. He relaxed himself and stuffed his hands into his pockets as he slouched forward. "So why did the Godaime Hokage give you all our personal schedules?" He asked, as he ignored the gobsmacked expressions of his friends.

"Lady Tsunade was rather…crossed with _my_ ninja." The spider-woman glared Sakura with as if to stake a claim on her unnamed prey. "Especially when he didn't tell her of our engagement. So a punishment for him, was for me to introduce myself to his friends." Hanatai plucked a few strings that hung limply from the ceiling of the cave.

"I was given leave to spin this little event my way as both an incentive for me, and a disincentive for his lack of contact. That woman is rather terrifying." Her fanged smile was full of warmth and adoration. "I'm going to like working for her."

"Do you have any proof?" Neji asked, unwillingly to let his guard down.

Before she could reply, a new voice echoed through the cave. "Hanatai-chan? Are you still down here?"

The voice sounded very familiar.

"Coming darling!" She cooed back. "I can't wait to work with you all." With that the red-haired arachne skittered into the shadows, low voices of greeting, love, and a very loud and expressive kiss could be heard, much to Kiba's visible discomfort. The Konoha ninja stood shocked as realization set in.

Choji was the first to speak. "So everyone heard Naruto right?"

"Yep." Tenten answered.

"And that the Hokage was just a bit peeved about him not telling her about his upcoming engagement?" Choji asked again.

"Yes." Shino replied curtly. His head still twisted and turned in small increments made everyone aware that he searched for any sign of the arachne's return.

Neji watched as Choji chewed on his next words and Hinata tried her best not to scream out her frustration. "So Naruto is marrying a giant spider lady?"

"Naruto's flames of passion burn ever brightly even being away from the village for so long. To be in love at such a young age." Lee pumped his arm and clenched his fist as his eyes burned with determination. "I too, must search the world for a someone to complete my heart and join me in the throes of our youth!" He exclaimed.

Neji joined Tenten as they rubbed their foreheads in exasperation. That was going to be a problem in the future.

Ino struggled to pull the last of the spider silk from her long hair. "But why would Naruto would fall for a woman with a bdsm fetish?"

All heads turned to Sakura. "What?" She asked.

Neji has never felt so done with a day since joining Team Nine. "You had to turn him into a masochist."

 **A/N:**

 **So expect a few updates every now and then with both male and female monsters with various Naruto characters. Consider this a destressor story that I write every now and then.**


	2. Pervy Pen Pals

It had been a terrible morning.

In tallest tower of the Village-Hidden-In-The-Leaves, dozens of jounin ninja lined the briefing room. Murmurs of casual conversation were peppered throughout the gathering. It was not like this monthly meeting of the senior ninja of Konoha was anything important. Ever since the First Hokage created the village, he proposed monthly meetings with the higher-up ninja and himself to keep himself aware of the happenings out in the field.

Nowadays, it is just the Hokage passing on current events like village news. Rather boring. The only reason anyone bothered to show up, Tsunade included, is because it remains part of the shinobi charter for all Konoha forces. They all need to make the effort to show up for a 30-minute meeting on the first of every month.

With a slight hangover, the third Senju Hokage ambled to the front of the room. The blonde sannin wanted to get this early meeting over with so she could at least get a quick nap before the paperwork piles onto her desk. She heard a few painful grunts in the back of the room and Tsunade took comfort in the fact that at least she wasn't the only suffering through it. She shuffled through her reports, that held absolutely nothing of importance.

Just another boring month.

"Let's get this over with-" Tsunade started, only to stop when she saw the empty seat in the room.

A dark chuckle built up in her throat, but she remained professional in front of her ninja. "Who's missing?" She asked offhandedly, as if discussing the weather, though the room became seemed smaller with the building tension. Everyone listened with rapt attention and the blonde could see the anticipation in the faces of her men and women.

The long-forgotten addendum about the monthly meetings come to mind.

"Hatake Kakashi, Hokage-sama." One of the ninjas spoke up. No one missed the genuine mirth in his voice. Like the kid who tattled on his brother with his hand in the cookie jar.

Tsunade smiled. "In accordance to the addendum added by the Second Hokage, our missing comrade, Hatake Kakashi, is unable to show up for mandatory _senior ninja bonding_." She couldn't hide all her contempt at the old tradition. "So as the current Hokage, it is my duty to remind our comrade the _importance_ of these meetings and I have no choice but to cancel our meeting-"

No one bothered to listen past the word 'cancel', the ninja streamed out of the room like children for recess. Tsunade cracked her knuckles, the pleasure of the motion nearly overriding her senses. The sannin was so tired of all this deskwork lately. Kakashi's lateness was a blessing in disguise today.

This is a very good morning.

 **INHUMAN RELATIONS**

After the ANBU reported that Hatake was last seen off the beaten path near the Hokage Monument, Tsunade had herself a leisurely stroll through the village as she thought of just how to _remind_ Kakashi the importance of monthly senior bonding.

A flustered Maito Guy was the first one to greet her as she rolled up her sleeves to pummel Kakashi the moment she saw him. "Please wait Hokage-sama." Guy whispered to her. "Kakashi has a very good reason for not showing up to the meeting this morning."

Every moment before Kakashi's beating was a moment less doing paperwork later, so the blonde sannin can make time for an excuse. "Really?" She drawled. "And he can't come to me personally to explain this because…?"

Guy shifted back and forth on his feet uncomfortably. "Well…you see…" He coughed into his fist as his cheeks heated up. "Take a look Hokage-sama."

The jumpsuit ninja crept into the bushes and with a little persuasion, Tsunade did the same. After wading through the shrubbery, they could hear Kakashi and a woman speaking to one another. Guy pulled a branch slightly away so they both could see the man and his guest.

The solid, white horn that grew out of her forehead was a dead give-away to her foreign nature. Long, creamy white hair was braided into two chin long bangs that framed her face while the rest flowed behind her back in a braid. A simple dark green blouse lead to an extremely long white dress, as the woman laid on the ground at an awkward angle next to Kakashi, who had his back to them.

Both had a copy of a very familiar orange book in their hands. Only when Tsunade started to pay attention to what they were saying did she want to scream out her rage toward Jiriaya and his part-time profession.

" _Asui-san we can't do this here."_ The copy ninja said, his voice raised slightly higher as if he was a young inexperienced boy on the cusp of manhood.

Blood pooled into Guy's cheeks as the sacred words of perversion reached his ears. A man filled with youthful dreams cannot handle the smallest bits of perversion, much to Tsunade's pleasure.

" _Midoria-kun, this will be our last chance until our training expedition."_ The horned woman replied with a flat tone. _"We should take advantage of our time alone together. Asui's hands wander downward, her hands slipped beyond his waistband and took hold-"_ The woman broke out in light laughter. "Apologies Kakashi-kun, I need a break. Just imagining Asui being the aggressive one-" She laughed again. "It was so unsuspecting." Her tone was respectful even regal, quite a parallel to the risqué nature of their reading material.

"I never knew that co-reading could be so fun Calla-chan." Kakashi replied. His usual boredom had been replaced with good cheer.

Calla, the now known woman, giggled. "Of course its fun!" She smiled toward Kakashi with contentment. When she spoke once more, it was like a motherly nun teaching curious children. "Everything is better when shared with someone important." Then her face broke into a lecherous grin. Thirsty drool dripped through

"Especially with primo literature!" Kakashi and Calla chorused together, a perverse aura surrounding them. Their books danced to the tune of their words with every syllable.

Kakashi let his laughter die out before he spoke up again. "No one else in the village appreciates the series like you and I do."

"So, you don't regret being a part of the _Icha Icha Pen Pal Super Service_?" Calla questioned. "Even if it is a waste of stamps to write to a stranger?" She stated mockingly with a false frown.

The hidden ninja watched as Kakashi rubbed the back of his neck embarrassingly. "I might have been a bit hasty about the service." He leaned back, his hands supporting his weight from behind his back. Tsunade saw the corner of Kakashi's eye, before he turned his attention back to his guest. "I didn't expect to meet someone like you, though." He stated.

Calla smiled. "A fan who enjoys Icha Icha, or a unicorn?" She said.

Did Tsunade missed the reports from the from the gate guards? Non-human guests are always recorded and reported to her immediately for the sake of village security. Or did Shizune tell her last night after she got her hands on her favourite brand of sake? The dull ache of her hangover reminded her exactly what she chose to do last night. Tsunade might have to double check yesterday's paperwork.

"I'd be lying if I didn't say both." Kakashi replied. "A woman who likes Icha Icha? As if there was such a thing." He scoffed sarcastically.

"Are you saying that just because I'm a woman I can't enjoy erotica?" The unicorn soft-heartedly glared at the ninja. "I may be a symbol of purity and innocence," Calla stated firmly. "But no mortal can resist good porn."

The former pen pals shared a chuckle. "Still," Calla continued. "I'm surprised you were open to meeting in person. You never know who you are going to meet face to face."

"I was a little hesitant at first. Comes with being a ninja." Kakashi said. "You never know who might try to kill you." He tilted his head back when he stared at the sky. "The words within your letters lit the fires of passion in my heart that I have long thought to have died. I awaited the moment that I was finally able to see you with my own eyes." He stared directly at the entranced unicorn. "With soul-aching anticipation."

Calla covered her face as she turned away and blushed. "Kakashi," She said breathlessly. "Isn't that the same line Prince Tamatoro used when he finally met the samurai master, Lady Hanako, in volume 3?"

Kakashi simply shrugged. "Are you saying that it's a bad line Calla-chan?" He turned away from her nonchalantly, as he refused to meet the unicorn's eyes.

A soft hand took Kakashi's chin in a gentle grip, he could feel the tenderness of the touch through his mask. Calla gently turned Kakashi's chin toward her. Their eyes met while the white-haired maiden caressed the cheek behind his mask as her fingers danced across the fabric. The tenderness in her touch was matched only by the look in her eyes that carried none of the blame that he sees in his dreams and memories.

"Not from you Kakashi." Calla said softly.

In the bushes, Tsunade and Guy watched the entire interaction. Neither wanted to mess up the obviously romantic between the two, but life finds a way.

Maito Guy started to cry the moment the two of them started to bond in their unyouthful love of the Icha Icha collection. After the tender moment between them, his tears had created a small marshland much to the Hokage's discomfort. She tried to shift her feet free of the disgusting wetness that had to crept into her sandals, only for a loud (for ninja) _slosh_ alert all three ninjas to their current predicament.

Kakashi reluctantly pulled away from Calla. "I don't know about you, but I'm getting hungry. How about I take you out for dinner?" He asked.

Calla smiled, she did not look slighted in any way with how Kakashi pulled away from her. "That sounds lovely Kakashi-kun." She stood up on all four of her legs.

"I'll catch up to you in a moment. I just need to take care of something in the bushes." Kakashi asked.

The unicorn grimaced. "I really hope that isn't a euphemism for anything." She covered her mouth with a handkerchief pulled from her blouse's pocket. and glared at Kakashi with narrowed eyes. "Jokes about defecation are quite uncouth." Calla's horsetail swished in irritation as she turned abruptly toward the village. "Don't keep me waiting Kakashi- _san_." She walked toward the village, not bothering to look back.

" _-San_? I might be paying for that later." Kakashi mumbled underneath his breath, as he brushed off the dirt and grass off as he stood up. "Hokage-sama is there something you need?" He called out.

Both Tsunade and Guy emerged from the bushes. The former with dignity and pride in despite of sloshing sandals, the latter in tearful shame.

"I came here to deliver some punishment for the tardy ninja that skipped our monthly meeting." She cracked her knuckles while Kakashi shivered. She smirked. "But I'll deal with you after your friend leaves the village. I don't want you to be a terrible date covered in bruises."

"Thank you Lady Hokage!" Taking his one chance for freedom, Kakashi disappeared in a swirl of leaves.

Guy started to cry yet again, but with a bright smile. "Hokage-sama, to allow Kakashi to spend time with the lovely woman who has entered his life, it so YOUTH-IRK" His trademark phrase came to straggled pause. Tsunade had an iron grip on Guy's jounin vest.

"Kakashi got a pass for today. You on the other hand, turned my sandals into a wet mess and I can feel something slithering between my toes." The Lady Senju cracked her neck. "Let's have a spar Guy."

 **A/N**

 **It's been a while, but here's a second chapter involving Kakashi and the unicorn, Calla!**

 **I blame the MGE. It makes it so easy to corrupt the usual ideals fantasy creatures have symbolized. Next chapter will involve either a character/orc and character/alarune OR character/tsukumogami OR character/dullahan**


	3. Poly-Amourous Union

Shikamaru nursed his drink as he watched the amber liquid flow in his cup as he titled it back and forth. He was already drunk enough that he already started to see faces in his whiskey, but Shikamaru was _not_ drunk enough that he still recognized them. He whipped the drink back and the burning sensation traveled down his throat. He heard the seat next to him squeak loudly as a person thumped down next to him.

"SSSShhhhikamaruuuuu…" He drawled.

In his near drunken state, the lazy ninja was still able to recognize the voice as he turned toward the orange and black blur next to him. "Is that you Naruto?" He asked. "You don't drink."

The Nara's comment was instantly refuted as Naruto waved down the bartender for half a dozen shots of scotch.

"Pervy Sage said that he drank a lot when he sees something that doesn't make a lot of sense." As the six glasses slid into place in front of him, the jinchuriki sullenly sighed as he prepped himself to drink like a fish. "I'm hoping that just wasn't his excuse to shut me up once and a while." Naruto hesitantly leered at the drink in front of him before he squared his shoulders and drank one of the shots slowly.

Naruto's face twisted into a mix of disgust and loathing as he looked down at the rest of the shots he ordered. "People drink this stuff for fun?!" He shouted in the dreary bar, much to Shikamaru's annoyance.

"Don't be such a kid you idiot." Shikamaru stated. He reached toward one amber blurs in his vision. "You are supposed to take a shot in a single go, like this-" Shikamaru demonstrated, and instantly regretted it as his stomach flipped inside of him. His head fell against the bar suddenly, his pineapple flopped forward and back before he raised his head again. The Nara lightly tapped the glass upside down before he turned back to his recent companion. "So what made you of all people turn to drink?"

Naruto's face puckered up in thought. His eyes turned back to the line-up of scotch on the bar. He took one and slammed it back just like Shikamaru did a moment ago. He did not fuss as much about the taste the second go around. "Have you seen Sakura's boyfriend?" He said, his face twisted into a grimace.

The Nara chuunin drank in the silence between them before answering. "Yep." Another pause. "Have you seen Ino's boyfriend?" He asked Naruto.

The grimace on the blond ninja's face became even more pronounced. "Yep."

More drinks filled the counter in front of the two impromptu drinking buddies.

"You see it too right?" Naruto questioned.

"If someone as dense as you could it-" Shikamaru started, "-then everyone can see it." He tried to rub away the pain that had built up behind his eyes.

Uzumaki glared at his friend. "Do Ino and Sakura see it?" Naruto questioned.

Shikamaru's clouded mind brought forth an event from a couple weeks prior when one of the Konoha Twelve attempted to let the girls know about their new partners. "Kiba tried telling them." Phantom sounds of mental and physical pain echoed in his mind. "He's still laid up in the hospital with four broken limbs and is still talking backwards."

Naruto looked absolutely flummoxed. "But-but that tree nymph dude looks like- "

"Yep."

"And the orc guy is basically- "

"Yep."

"And no one can say anything?"

Shikamaru snorted. "You can say whatever you want. I just don't expect you to survive their reprisal."

Another glass emptied down Naruto's gullet, his face flushed with a slight buzz. "Repri-what?" He slurred.

The chuunin groaned. "Never mind."

The door to the bar opened wide, all talking in bar ceased. Many patrons slowly started to edge their way out of the establishment. Two figures overshadowed the doorway and stretched toward the countertop. Neither Naruto nor Shikamaru noticed as the alcohol had loosened their inhibitions and in Naruto's case, his lips.

"But Hisoka looks just like Sakura, but with petals for hair!" Naruto cried out. "How does Ino kiss him and not see Sakura!" The blonde genin started waving his arms franticly. "I almost asked him out on a date when I ran into him because he looks so much like Sakura-chan." He grumbled under his breath, "No man should be that pretty."

The killing intent started to build within the pub, some of the weaker civilians shivered in fear. However, Naruto's complaints triggered Shikamaru's own internal rant that he had kept to himself for weeks on end.

"That Doi guy, is not much better." He said. After all those shots of scotch, the usually calm and composed Shikamaru was overly open and emotional. He slammed his palm against the table. "Sakura goes off on a mission as a mediator between an orc tribe and some far-off daimyo." His hands wave listlessly in the air, "Comes back a month later, with the orc chieftain's son."

The other patrons of the establishment, or at least those who were still conscious despite the overwhelming killing intent focus onto the two men still too drunk to notice. "Apparently," Shikamaru continued, "While helping with the negotiations Sakura got into a tussle with him and won the rite to," He paused. " _Court him._ "

The aghast expression on Naruto's face was almost funny enough for this whole debacle to be worth it. Almost. "So, Sakura's been dating Doi and they have been really hitting it off. She's hasn't said anything about Sasuke for months." Shikamaru said, though his words were lost in the pitiful wail from the blonde ninja. Shikamaru continued, "

A promise of death and despair forced the servers to usher out the drunkards and weak-willed civilians, who've already passed out from the killing intent that had flooded the bar. Sadly, at this point even with the huge amount of alcohol in two chuunin's systems, they felt a very familiar rage targeted toward them.

Both young men shared a look, guzzled down their final shot each. Naruto was the first to speak as pink-haired monstrosity bared down upon him. "It was a good drink we had eh, Shikamaru?"

Shikamaru chuckled. "There's an old saying. Good sake gives rise to a great conversation. See you on the other side Naruto." He could feel a lithe arm, casually wrap across the front of his shoulders, much like a very familiar friend. Until the Nara's throat was in the crook of an elbow with pale skin. "Good night, Naruto."

The sun was high in the deep blue sky over Konoha when Ino and Sakura emerged from the underground pub an hour after they entered. They both squinted their eyes before the adjusted to the large amount of light. Both women took a deep breathe and cleared their lungs from musty pub air.

"That felt good." Sakura commented.

Ino nods. "Teaches them to talk behind our back. They both walk to the end of the street, before Ino pipes in, "Soooo…" she drawled. "Are you and Doi still up for tonight?" The platinum blonde asked with a knowing smirk.

The pink haired woman smiles back before saying, "Of course, as long as you and Doi cook dinner. I swear, last month it took an hour before I can tear him away from your kitchen."

"Oh please, we both know you and Hisoka were busy most of the night tending to all those herbs that suddenly appeared behind my flower garden." Ino replied.

Sakura shrugs with no sign of shame. "What can I say? He makes medicinal herbs way more interesting than Master did. She always preferred to use her hands when it comes to be a doctor."

Ino sighs with deep exhaustion, most likely from the repeated conversation in a different form. "Why do Hisoka and I love you and Doi?"

"Neither you or Hisoka can resist our muscles."

 **A/N**

 **Not my best, but I really wanted to get out a piece about Ino and Sakura have a four-way relationship. Two chapters with guys, so at least another one with a female character before I switch over to the most underappreciated character (My opinion) of the Naruto series.**


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